Thursday, May 28, 2009

You, Roxana Saberi, Are A Douche Bag

You, Roxana Saberi, are a douchebag.

You aren't a douchebag because in college at Concordia in Moorhead, Minnesota you complained about America all of the time. America has free speech. You aren't a douchebag because you were Miss North Dakota in the Miss America pageant. The Miss America pageant has been on the decline for that last two years, despite the parade of beautiful women in bathing suits and evening gowns, uncovered in public. You aren't even a douchebag because you decided to have dual-citizenship with America and Iran, that is your background. We get it.

But you are a douchebag for playing the victim in a political game you started yourself my taking classified documents from government office in Iran while working there as a translator. You are a douchebag because you took classified documents for your own use for a book. You are a douchebag for allowing your father to believe you were arrested for buying wine, when the Iranian government came to your home on January 30th and arrested you on a warrant that they have. You are a douchebag for knowing that Iranian-Americans are watched, and reporting AFTER IRAN REVOKED YOUR PRESS PASS THREE YEARS EARLIER! You are a douchebag for claiming to go on a hunger strike until you were either freed or died, and not following through with it. Who do you think you are, f-n Bobby Sands? You are a douchebag for being an Iranian citizen in Iran on an Iranian passport and breaking Iranian law and then expecting the United States to bail you out, when you cannot even mention your own brother who is in the US military because you are afraid of what Iran would say to that.

You are a douchebag for going to Israel even though Iranians are prohibited.

And you are a douchebag for your very Miss America-like speech when entering Dulles Airport, saying you were singing the national anthem. Please.

You are not a celebrity. You do not need celebrity-like security detail.

At least you have a few more chapters for you book, right?

Congrats, Roxana Saberi, for proclaiming yourself a victim and taking attention from real heros, the men and women that put their lives on the line every day to serve our country. This wasn't a matter of freedom of press, it was a matter of a silly girl making stupid decisions and then not having the ovarian fortitude to face her consequences.

Congrats, Miss North Dakota, you are a douchebag!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

You, Insensitive Wanker, Are A Douchebag

You, Insensitive Wanker from the UK, are a douchebag.

It isn't because you call cigarettes fags or because you buy fish wrapped in newspaper. I rather like authentic British fish and chips. It isn't even for that ghastly, iron crotch Margaret Thatcher. You are a douchebag because apparently no one ever taught you a single thing about greiving. You don't say that someone isn't a real man and that if anyone can teach how to me, it is his father that abandoned him and his mother years ago. You really don't say that after the poor chaps Mum has just passed on from this world to the next. You especially don't say that about a man whose only answer in life has been to run away when things have gotten hard or live life bitterly with seething jealousy over the career his son has, but he has always wanted for his own.

By Golly, we think we have enough testicular fortitude to shove OUR foots up your arse and teach you what being a man is about.

Congratulations, a-hole, you are a douchebag!

* posted by special request

You, President Obama, Are a Douchebag

President Obama, my friend, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are a douchebag. No, it isn't because of this lame picture of you with Superman. It isn't because sometimes you have a hard time with the teleprompter. It isn't even because you run around shirtless, causing a whole slew of women to get hot and bothered.

It is because you have kept former President Bush's polities on 'prolonged detainment'. It is because you spoke out against someone living in Iran (don't worry, she'll make the list) as an Iranian citizen being treated unfairly by the Iranian government when we have hundreds of foreign journalists locked up in G- Bay and in Bagram without having any charges levied against them, their arrests based on "suspicion"

It is because even when the US District court gave legal rights to due process for these individuals, all confirmed journalists and some held as long as six years in grave-like cells and tortured, you sent in an appeal and announced that the US will continue it's policy on prolonged detainment.

It is because as the President in the land of the Free, a country that prides itself so heavily on the freedoms we have, even saying it is what makes this country great, you detain people like Ibrahim Jassam in Iraq because he is a "threat" even though no evidence has been submitted to show otherwise. An Iraqi court even granted his release!

Sir, that is why you are bestowed the honor of being our very first douchebag.

Remember, President Obama: